No Kiss, but I did Get Naked

Early adolescence is hard, let’s all admit it. I was very non-social in my early teenage years. I had a fair excuse. My family moved to another town when I left sixth grade and entered seventh. Then, being of Lutheran faith, I had my nose buried in a bible for two whole years trying to get through confirmation studies. So, when I entered high school I felt utterly displaced and friendless. Don’t worry. I’m okay. I got through it. But those days were awkward with embarrassment, bullying, uncomfortable girl moments and acne. It was my adolescence and I did suffer. Why am I telling you this? Because you want to know why I was naked and didn’t get kissed.

Can you walk with me back to the year 1977? It’s a bit of a hike but, hey at least the music on the radio was good. I was fifteen with a face full of blemishes. I didn’t know anyone in high school in my new town. One awkward moment tended to lead into the next. I felt uncomfortable in my day classes, on the school bus, at my locker and walking around the school campus. I knew I had a lot inside of me to share but no tools to assemble it. I will stop there. I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining. But this fact is important to the story that is about to unfold.

In 1977, I was fifteen years old. Our family was active in the church and we attended our Sunday services every week. All the children went to Sunday School and I, like I said, I was taking confirmation classes on Tuesday evenings. Our church had a popular youth group which my parents were pushing me to sign up for. Maybe I could make some friends. Begrudgingly, I finally acquiesced and agreed to an upcoming event, pizza at someone’s home.

Then it was the evening of the pizza gathering. My dad dropped me off in front of the house. I stepped out of the car and stared at the house before me. It was filled with people and quite lively. My dad waved goodbye and was gone. I stood there looking at the house. There must had been thirty young adults and a gathering of adult chaperones. I wanted to leave. Someone arrived at the front door and called out to me. I moved forward and into the evening and what it might have in store for me.

I was pulled into the house. It was warmly lit with lovely furniture. Someone had my arm and was pulling me through the living room. Loads of young adults my age and older were moving through the house to the backyard. I was yanked through the kitchen door leading into the backyard. It was filled with more youths. A game was being organized and I was to be a part of it. I was dreading this. I wanted nothing more than to have a piece of pizza and go home. I stepped into the yard to see a throng of young people forming into a line. One after another, they were stepping up and grabbing both sides of the waist of the person in front of them. Boy, girl, boy, girl…

The line was formed and music started playing. The line moved about slowly, stepping to the music and then suddenly the girl in the front of the line stopped, turned and kiss the boy behind her. He took a couple of steps moving the line along and then stopped and repeated the exercise, kissing the girl behind him. And so this went on and on. I was at the other end of the line with no one behind me. I looked down at my hands. I was holding a girl by the waist. Her name was Dana. She was pretty. I was terrified. More music and more steps and kisses coming down the line. What will I do? I never really kissed a girl before, well, my mother, grandmothers, aunts, and a girl named Sandra in 2nd grade, but nothing like this. The boy in front of Dana turned and laid a big old smack on her. Lord, deliver me from this please. The music started, she moved forward carrying me with her and then suddenly stopped and turned to me. I leaned forward with my back and neck and extended my lips in the best way I could imagine would work and waited for the kiss to be received. Without warning, she hauled off and smacked me across the face! The entire line of boys and girls turned, applauded and laughed. My face was red from the slap and the sudden social embarrassment.

What kind of game was this? I sunk into a corner in the yard. I watched as new kids were showing up and to my surprise, the line was reforming again. I witnessed two more kids receive the slapping treatment I had gotten. I left the yard and went back into the house. The homeowners were wonderful parents and very friendly. I started to feel a little better, and I could smell pizza.

Then the whole backyard was pouring into the kitchen and heading downstairs. A few people hollered over to me, “Mike come downstairs. We are going to play another game” Please Lord let me just leave. I was being pushed along over to the basement door and down stairs leading to a fully finished basement perfect for entertaining large groups of people. I slipped off to a corner and tried not to draw attention to myself. Everyone gathered around the room in a large circle. Someone walked into the center of the room with a blanket and put it on the floor. What kind of game will this turn out to be? I wondered and worried.

Then it happened. “Mike, do you want to be first?” I froze. I was speechless and had lost any chance of talking my way out of this predicament. Then I was in the center of the room. “Please sit down” I sat down. “Here let me put this blanket on you” I was covered completely by a large blanket. I thought I could be home right now. I would gladly study my bible all night then to be here. The whole room started moving, that is, the people. They were gathering and whispering. I could not hear the conversation. Then, “Mike, we have all met and discussed your situation. We have picked something that you are wearing. It is something you do not need. Can you please take it off?”

What is going on??? I stared at the blanket and did nothing. “Mike please remove something you do not need” I looked down at my left shoe. I untied it, slipped it off and threw it out from under the blanket. “Mike, that is a nice shoe, but we have picked something that you do not need. Please remove it” I stared at my right shoe. A moment later it was out from under the blanket sitting next to its left counterpart. “Mike, please remove the item that we have determined you do not need.” ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!! WHAT IS GOING ON?! I threw a sock out. “Mike…” I couldn’t believe my ears. Both socks were off now. “Mike…” Please someone make this madness stop. My belt was outside now. Then my shirt was coming off. I thanked myself that I had put on a t-shirt this morning, but that was of little use because it was outside of the blanket laying on my shirt now. I cannot sustain this game for much longer. The crowd was taunting and laughing with delight. Why I was taking my pants off, was beyond my comprehension. I flung them out. The crowd went berserk! I sat in the middle of this basement room under a blanket with nothing more on than my underwear. “Mike, I do believe you can no longer play this game, because the thing that we picked that you don’t need is something that you now need. THE BLANKET!!!”

WHAT?!! The damn blanket? OMG, I am an idiot! Just then two of the older boys leaned in and scooped me up into the air wrapped in my very-necessary blanket. I was carried out of the room. The last thing I seen was Dana and some other girls laughing. They dumped me into a utility room with my clothes thrown in afterwards. I dressed in utter embarrassment. My social skills were not developing as I had hoped. I was mortified.

I somehow managed to get through the evening without any more incidents. People were starting to leave. It was dark out now and my dad was out in front of the house waiting to pick me up. “How was your evening, Mike?” he asked. “Fine” I deflected.

I turned in early that night and laid in bed and wandered how I was going to make it through life when it is so awkward and difficult. My mind quieted down. I will just take it one day at a time. So I did. I still do. But I have never again been talked into getting under a blanket I didn’t want to get under.

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