Fuzzy Wuzzy

Have you ever worked with the metal known as pewter? It’s quite pliable. You can bend it into almost any shape you want. Get creative. Pewter plays an important part in this story. Just keep that in mind.

Also keep in mind there is a band named Tit. They love to jam to their own composed song called, “Fuzzy Wuzzy.” They play a part in this story too.

But let’s start at the beginning, a conversation with my wife, then girlfriend, named Carrie. She plays an important part in this story too. The beginning of this story starts with her talking to her brother, Richard, a soon to become a slightly famous clothing designer in New York City. He had the skills and talent to create amazing clothes. I learned later in life that at every chance they got, Carrie and Richard would like to dress me up. When you marry your wife, you marry the whole family. That’s life.

Richard was taking classes at the Chicago Art Institute. He had left NYC and the Pratt Institute School of Design to return to Chicago. No matter, his career would take him back to NYC where he is today. The rest is history. He loved his new designer life. But for the sake of this story, he was still in Chicago and there was a very important date arriving, the annual autumn fashion show that his professor hosted at the institute. And this year, it was to be held at the newly famous non-drinking club known as Medusas. This club was a local favorite for the young students and their colleagues.

“Carrie, would you consider modeling my self-designed outfit for the new upcoming event at Medusas?” Richard began.

“Of course, what do I need to do?” Carrie returned.

“It’s simple, I have the outfit already finished. I just need to do your makeup and get you into the outfit. Then all you have to do is walk down the aisle at the show. People will see you and my lovely outfit and realize how much talent I have.” Richard was never shy about his abilities.

I came late to this story. I knew little about the aforementioned conversation and less about fashion and artistic design in general. What I did know though was what weird looked like when I seen it. Oh, I saw it.

The evening of the big event had arrived and I was driving Carrie over to Richard and Chrissy’s apartment. She was going to the Art Institute too, but for a degree in bookbinding. I actually found this very interesting and would rather talk about her studies and eventual career in bookbinding, but alas, I must stick to the story because Richard is about to dress my girlfriend in, well, a lot of blue.

Picture Smurfette and you will begin to see how this outrageous outfit would come together. Richard began by painting all of Carrie’s exposed skin in blue. Yeah, I don’t make up stuff like this. Next, my blue girlfriend clothed herself in an all blue outfit like something from the TV series, Star Trek. Now picture early-Madonna on stage. For a time, she sported fantastic breast costumes that over accentuated her firm bosoms’.

Now, if you can stick with me, picture Richard making two pewter wound (clockwise) breast pieces, spiraled from the start to a point where they projected out in a rather erotic way. I was in the room when Carrie reentered wearing this whole outfit and makeup. I kind of had a thing for Smurfette for a couple of years, but that’s another story too.

We collected our things and headed out for Medusas. My soon-to-be mother in-law was along for the ride, intending to enjoy the fashion show as did I. However we were both witness to a much more interesting evening. Let’s unpack the rest of this story.

Carrie’s mom and I ascended to a second Mezzanine level of the Medusas dance club. True to word, there wasn’t a drop of alcohol in the building and it was packed with young teenagers, some students like Richard, and others learning the beginning of their club lifestyle that they would someday master, whether it destroyed them or not.

When we arrived upstairs we wandered back towards the main room, a massive three story dance hall, large enough to easily hold five hundred guests. Tonight, the room was packed. In the center was a constructed model runway. That was designed to allow models to walk and show their artistic beauty. The evening was set to begin. Carrie and Richard were somewhere else locked away and preparing for the event. Carrie’s mother, “Mom” as I have always referred to her in loving respect, was by my side overlooking the whole room including the runway. Only thing left was for the band of the evening to kick off. And they did.

Tit. Tit was the headline band jamming out their own tunes for the show. And, you guessed it, they marched into a twenty minute jam on what appeared to be a song about “Fuzzy Wuzzy?” I found the melody catchy but a bit repetitive. They loved it and seemed to never want to stop. Just then, some models began gracing the runway. I saw unusual designs of all kinds and shared more than one glance with Mom. I wondered what the future may hold for us in the fashion world, but dismissed my thoughts so I could stay focused on the event playing out before us. I wondered, where was Carrie?

And then, just as Tit had circled back on the Fuzzy Wuzzy chorus, she appeared.

Like a blue angel with big spiraled pewter breast she appeared. I turned to Mom to see her looking back at me. Yes, I was proud, silly as it sounds, but my wife can walk a runway like nobody’s business. She displayed the true admiration of her little brother’s talent and dazzled in his artistic light for the whole world to see. Tit continued on with Fuzzy Wuzzy.

Then it happened.

Carrie had made her way to the end of the runway and began her circular turn to begin back but something strange happened. At the beginning of the turn a guy in the front row reached up and grabbed her right pewter breast point, pulling it out and down. As Carrie turned, it extended outward to a full seven feet. As she swung around the turn it sliced through the air causing everyone to duck that was in her breast shot swing. Fuzzy Wuzzy played like an anthem with my girlfriend’s breast-swinging weapon causing people to duck for cover.

No matter, Carrie is a professional and did not miss a step. She simply continued with one normal size breast and another seven feet in length. The expression painted on my face may have been the oddest expression I have ever shared with my mother-in-law.

Madonna continued to be famous. Richard kicked off a fabulous career in NYC designing for one famous designer after another. Carrie? She has graced the runway a few more times in her life, but never again with a life threatening weapon.

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