If you are expecting this story to end well, then maybe you should just stop now.
My closest friends know that I don’t like to get vulgar, unless of course I have to, so now I am writing this story. The events that are about to play out are all true. I hold my readers in the highest regard. So, I do not blame you for leaving now.
I will start by saying that I never really bought into the whole chiropractor business. Anyone who wants you to open a credit line before seeing you leaves me in suspect. And so it goes round and round the world, unless… you can find a guy…
My wife, Carrie, found a guy.
He came highly recommended. She had just been to a fancy chiropractor franchise that, of course, wanted to open a line of credit for her. We were both again suspect and walked away without any further conversations. But, this new guy left me suspicious too. Chiropractors can be crafty. However nonetheless, she went to see him and came back with positive news. He had a small time operation working out of Antioch, Illinois. His reputation was solid and he had many repeat customers that had been seeing him for years. I began to warm to the idea of seeing him too. I have had a lifetime of minor back issues. What if he could help?
Carrie drove me to his office building and went in first. She was gone a full 40 minutes. I sat in the waiting room fretting over this whole business of chiropracting. Is it even a legitimate science? I let my mind wander and soon thought the whole idea was bad. What if he broke my back? Idle hands truly are the devil’s playground. I needed a magazine.
Carrie returned into the waiting room looking quite refreshed and smiling with happy approval of her session. No more time for thinking. I stood up to face the music.
The first impression was the smell. It was a small rectangular room and containing all of the expected sundry items that fills a doctor’s room, but the smell? I waited behind a close door and wandered how naked I should become.
Then he arrived. He was an older man but stocky, strong, confident. That’s when I landed on the smell. He was smoking a cigarette. I knew he was a quack! Get me outta here!
I will admit that after about five minutes I did warm up to him. His personality was quite charismatic. He had me lay on the table in the middle of the room. I hopped up and lay on my back. He started the conversation with a series of questions.
“Mike, what is bothering you today? Mike, how long have you had this back pain? Mike, your wife is quite sweet.” Okay, buddy, stop right there. I was still wondering if this was a good idea, and his hands were cold!
“Mike, roll over on your stomach. I want to get a closer look at the back. You say, that it’s lower, right?”
“Yes, I’ve always had lower back pain. Intense work can flare it up, but mostly it’s manageable.”
“Okay, let’s see what is going on here.” He circled the table as I flipped over. The cigarette was dangling from the side of his mouth. The room filled with the wafting smoke. He was neglecting it and letting the ash grow quite long. That bothered me. I expected it to fall at any moment.
As he circled the table and talked to me, he would spontaneously grab a part of my body and pull. Something always popped and sometimes snapped. But I must admit that mostly it always felt good. I was feeling better. Whoa! he just grabbed my left leg at the ankle and my knee felt awesome!
This went on for some time, an arm here, a foot there. Snap, crackle, pop, as they say.
Something told me that he was nearing the end. Besides the cigarette ash had now grown a full 2 inches. Gravity should have done it in by now.
And then it happened.
In the shortest of time, he reached in for my left arm and my right leg, placing his knee on the pit of my back. He connected the fingers of my hand to the heal of my leg creating a wide arch of my spine. And all at once, like a xylophone, every single vertebrae popped in order. The feeling bordered on sexual ecstasy. And in a smoked-filled doctor’s room somewhere in Antioch, Illinois, I farted. The doctor seemed quite satisfied and went to the sink and washed his hands. I was speechless.
As I put my clothes back on a moment later I noticed cigarette ash on my underwear. I returned to the waiting room wandering if I was doing a walk-of-shame. It didn’t matter, my back felt great!
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What a story. He was a great chiropractor. Just for the record I did not hear anything from the room you were in.
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