Don’t Eat That Donut

I’m throwing down another river story. This one takes place in the Florida Keys, mile marker 86, Islamorada. If you ever get a chance to go, you should do it. It is beautiful. We did it with our neighbor friends every winter for about five or six years. A lot of good memories and a few not so much, but life is about celebrating what makes us smile. That’s my two cents worth of philosophy.

What happens when you get ten adults, all friends from our river neighborhood, in a new environment for a vacation? Two words: trouble brewing.

Every winter we would fly down to the Keys and rent a house and rent a boat. You see, we were all boaters. If it is snowing outside then go somewhere else. For us, mile marker 86 did the trick. What does this have to do with donuts? Ugh, let me get to that now.

We had a routine. Leave the airport. Rent a car. Stop for a week’s worth of alcohol and food then find the house. We stayed at a couple homes, the same ones every year. The rental boat was already docked at the pier behind the house. They even had a Tiki bar in the backyard next to the pool. Can my neighbor friend, Joe, jump from the second floor of the house into the pool? You betcha!

One thing I have learned in life is that if people are going to gather, like in a vacation such as the one I’m describing, then someone is going to drink too much on the first night. It was 2002 and my ticket came up. I know I was counting my drinks, but maybe I was mixing a little too much. Whatever was the case, there were casualties at dawn. I woke up green.

And this is a real problem for me because Us Men are going fishing. So 6 am came really early that day. I slapped some water on my face and walked into a steaming shower like a zombie. The shower helped a bit and getting dressed proved too as well. There’s a false sense of hope at 6:30 in the morning that maybe the hangover was dodged. I had said hope.

I walked into the kitchen and noted that although I hadn’t seen any humans yet, I could hear a few of them dressing for a day on the water. I looked inside of the fridge and found a box of chocolate donuts. I pulled them and found some milk too.

I opened the donut box and stared at the dozen laying there in such innocence. I have never been one to indulge in sweets, always admitting that I am more of a savory man. But something about that seventh donut had me mesmerized. I decided to pull it from the dozen. It took only four bites to devour it. I washed it down with some milk.

“That wasn’t a donut you just ate was it?” my neighbor, friend and fellow vacationer yelled from across the room. He had just entered the living room from his bedroom, fully dressed for fishing.

“Yes, why?” I asked sheepishly.

“Mike, you need to know that you should never eat sweets after a night of drinking AND before getting on the boat in the morning! Your stomach will not take to it kindly.”

“Greg, I have never heard that before.” I’m sure I will be fine. I was not.

Forty-five minutes later the sun was rising and we were boarding our fishing boat. The captain looked like he had spent his whole life in Key West sitting at a bar. The first mate was a short older man who spoke very little English.

We pushed off. The water was rough. I noted to myself and my stomach. I’ll be fine. One of the other guys walked over to me. “Are you okay? You look a little sick.” I was feeling it. “Get yourself a beer. That will help.”

I did and that sick feeling went away for a while. An hour later we arrived at the fishing site. The captain threw the anchor and dumped a bucket of chum over the stern. If you don’t know what chum is, it simply is a bucket full of bloody fish guts and heads and whatever else you can shovel up. Then everything changed for me. On anchor the boat had begun a rocking that was going left and right at the same time as forward and back. My eyes could not hold the sea line. My stomach was demanding attention. I went for my second beer, filled with the hope of an idiot.

The rocking would not stop. I noticed that all of the guys were setting up their fishing poles and a few fish had already arrived on the boat deck. We were going to be having fish for dinner.

I reached for my pole but thought better of it. Perhaps a little more time on the chair. My stomach was rolling around now and unfortunately for me it had a donut in it. I tried for a third beer but already suspected this was not sustainable. I got really green really fast.

There is a point at which the mind realizes that the stomach is going to do what it needs to do. Learning to understand that messaging can make you live an easier life. The stomach does not lie.

I looked out at the rocking sea. The boat swirled and so did my stomach. I set down the beer. This medicine was no longer working. I looked left and then right. I knew I only had moments before the evitable was going to happen. I decided the shortest distance to the sea was on my right. I stepped up and over, grabbed the rail of the boat and emptied two and a half beers and a donut into the sea.

“No discounts for bringing your own chum!” the captain said with a smirk as he passed by me. I like sarcasm as much as the next guy but that kind of hit me hard. I finished what I had started. My stomach felt better but my head was busting. The sun was rising. I was not going to get any fishing in today. I went down below seeking shelter in a dark room and somewhere to lay down.

Word had gotten back to shore that there was one man down. All of our spouses who were out early to take advantage of a spouseless shopping day, were worried. Each one had feared that their husband was suffering somewhere in the ocean. But four of them were wasting their time, their husband was reeling in fish. My wife did not make that list. She knew. Wives know.

I sat up and had to lay back down. There was no surviving this nightmare. I fell asleep.

I awoke when I felt the boat dock back at land. I sat up. I stood up. I felt better. I knew I needed to get my feet on solid ground. So I did. I felt amazingly better as soon as I touched land.

The men had caught a lot of fish. I contributed nothing. We had fish for dinner.

Not all donuts are harmless.

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