Dunk Tank Diving

Instantly you are upside down swirling in a water world trying to find the surface so you can get some much needed air you missed on the way in. Instantly.

That’s the best way to describe dunk tanks for me. There is another part to this too. You get to be annoying to other human beings in an attempt to end up upside down in a water world trying to find the surface. Some people are better at this than others.

When we lived on the river we would host massive summer parties across five houses right on the river. These parties were legendary. Envision a five-house backyard lawn (no fences) filled end-to-end with a hundred people, food, drinks, tables filled with sweet and savory food, music too loud and muscle boats blasting past us with skiers on a river scene that was just a few feet away from our five piers. That’s what it was like. Oh… and we rented a dunk tank.

You could count on our dear friend Kerwin having a pocket full of firecrackers that he would light from his cigarette and throw at someone’s feet to scare them. Yeah, mostly the women were mature, the rest of us, not so much.

But a dunk tank, come on? Is that necessary? I thought so, so I rented one. I had no idea how much fun that would turn out to be. I found it in the back lot of a rental facility that we used to rent chairs, tables and anything else required for a river life. And now it would be a dunk tank. I had a hitch on my car back then so I was able to bring it home myself. With the help of a few friends we brought it back into the center of the five yards. A hose went in and an hour later it was full, but cold, very cold. It would take another 24 hours before anyone wanted to test the beast. That, of course, would be me.

There are two kinds of people in the world, as they say. People who can sit on the top of a dunk tank and hurl insults at passersby, and people holding tennis balls needed to shut them up. That day I got to play both roles. But I was just the warm up act. After I had been submerged eight or nine times, I gave up the game and let my friend Chuck take over. Now here was a pro at hurling insults. It was a natural born gift he had and the line of people holding the tennis balls got long, turning around the side of the house. Chuck could send out sever insults at once before taking the dive back into the water. I think after about an hour he climbed out. He had been drenched enough.

But my favorite dunk tank insulter would end up being my friend Al that day. It is one thing to insult someone who is trying to hit the target that will put you under water, it’s another thing to do it with a Scottish accent. And Al was laying it on thick. I think he picked it up from an Austin Powers movie, but it was very effective. I even had a go at it and put him down once.

Life lesson here? Maybe. I guess if you want to insult someone try it with a Scottish accent.

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